A Dear Jon Letter

How do you let go of someone whom you have waited for all your life? How do you let go when you feel you belong with this person and you will never ever love like this again? How do you move forward when you feel like this is the one? How do you love again when you feel your soulmate was left behind? I am having a hard time letting go of someone just like that. I feel so overwhelmingly in love with him. Why I do is another question altogether. I feel such a powerful bond and connection with him, yet can't for the life of me figure out where this is going relationship wise. I am so burnt out on it. The stress from wondering is killing me. I love this man very much and he knows it but I don't know if he even knows what love is or if he ever will. I seem to make excuses for him and to him. I say to him all the time, I will wait till you know.

You all know that book, "He Just Isn't Into You"? That book sucks and I think it gives guys a bad rap. I don't think all men are into playing mind games. That books seems to put men in a bad light and for some men it maybe true but you cannot label all men as being that way as you cannot label all women that way. Why are we so quick to think the worst when it comes to men?? Some people are generally dumb when it comes to being involved. Some are scared, some just don't know. I mean to say, just because someone doesn't call you every single day, I don't think that means they are not into you. I think if a guy called me every day that would put me off. Not all women are needy, and they can go a few days without a phone call. I can anyways. I don't want somebody up my butt 24/7. I mean come on where is the mystery in getting to know each other and all that. I don't call a man I am dating much at first. I make plans once a week and go from there. Maybe a call 2-3 days a week after the first couple of weeks, but I am getting off subject. Sorry, I have a tendency to do that. I apologize.

I miss my guy. My, not know what he wants, guy. I guess maybe I am a sucker for punishment, maybe I am to optimistic for my own good, maybe I feel there is more to it that what there is. I don't know. I am such a glutton for punishment, that is what it is. I want to forget him and say I am fine without him. I have never been the mushy, need you type of person but he brings it out of me. I learned with him how to love unconditionally and it is hard to go back to same old same old. Sometimes I think I just want it to be this way and I won't see what it really is in from of me. You know what sucks is the fact that every single time I try to break, I end up thinking about him even more and I hear "our" song all the time and at night I dream of him. Or I see people that resemble him. I hate that. I have tried to end this relationship so many times ,just to crawl back, and wanting to make sure he is ok.

I am such an idiot. I feel like Napoleon Dynamite. Anyone seen that movie it is so stupid it is good. I love my Dear Jon very much and don't know whether I should let him go or go on a "hating men" binge for months. No, kidding. I won't do that. It would be so much easier if he was a jerk and mean to me but he isn't, the only thing he does that infuriates me is not making a commitment, every time I try to let go, he always knows what to say, just a little hint to keep me close and acts so mortally wounded when I say, that is it I am dating other people. I feel bad and go back. He is so nice to me and I guess I am just not used to that. Not used to being treated nice so hilarious but true. You know what really bugs me is the fact that every relationship I am involved with ends up being like this. I am a good person, ok I am pretty darn great, just ask me I will tell you, kidding. No, I give it my all and everyone else gives it like 2% or maybe not 2 more like 5% and then when I do leave they always, every, single, time want me back.

I guess with him I am thinking, well he will be the same, if I leave and try to move on as much as I love him, he will come back around and then it will be to late. What I should be thinking is, if it isn't good enough now it is his loss and better luck next time, maybe he will figure it out and straighten up with the next person he meets, but with him I am thinking, I don't want there to be another person, that he gets it with. Have I met my match with him? I don't know. I feel like it and I want it, so who knows what will happen. I want to let go right now but a little voice inside me says no. I have never been one to hold on like I have with him. Usually the little voice says something negative, exactly what I know, they are cheating or lying or both or they are just not interested, but with him it is totally opposite than what he is doing.

The thing about the old phrase, actions speak louder than words, well that maybe true. Has been in the past, if it is right this time, I am having a problem, because his words are, "I don't know what I want", but his actions when I am with him are, "I know this is where I want to be" and that is unmistakable. Maybe he is confused, he has to be because I am never confused, maybe a rare occasion, and I don't know if I'm coming or going in this. So maybe a moment longer and nothing more. I guess in the end my Dear Jon letter is more of a, "I am still here waiting as usual and when your ready I still will be". All of you take care and God Bless Ya,

Vaughn Pascal

To Dakota: I love you...

To Jon: Still here, but not happy...