Relationship Information |
|
The Sponge Pattern
Relationships. They're complicated, right? At least that's what we've been told, well, since childhood, girlhood, womanhood?whatever. The point is they're not easy. Growing up, adults try to explain away the differences between men and women in every way imaginable. "Boys tease you because they like you." "Women are more in-tune with their emotions than men." When I was in my first relationship, my dad (yeah, that's right, my DAD! Ughh!!!) gave me this book by a doctor named John Gray. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, was the name of it. I'm sure you've heard of it, or perhaps even read it (I, myself, only made it through about 30 pages or so). Even if you haven't read it, even if you didn't know it was actually a book, I'm sure you've heard that "men are from Mars, women are from Venus" thing used in conversation, on TV, somewhere, everywhere. Well, it certainly seems sometimes, (all right?all the time), that men are from a different planet. But, what happens when you start dating guys that are all not just from Mars, but from the same country in Mars, state, even city? What happens when every guy you end up with, seems, well, like the same guy? I guess I was about 15 when I had my first boyfriend. Boring stuff. Not at the time of course, but far too droll to write an article about. You know the score. First time holding-hands, then first kisses, first kisses with tongue, first 2 hour make-out sessions in the back row of some movie theater, where you can't even recall what was playing ("So how was the movie kids?) It wasn't until somewhere around 21 that the real dating began, if you could call it that, the "real" part, I mean. Everybody knows that in the beginning of a relationship no one is "real." I'm not even sure that there is a "real" before at least 25 or so, but that's a whole other article. Anyway, we'll call this one "Ted," to protect the innocent. Innocent? That doesn't sound right. We'll go with it though, for lack of a better word that doesn't rhyme with "Bass-mole." I digress. Ted seemed charming enough. Like most red-blooded American boys, he, of course, wanted to get laid, and would do anything and say anything to do just that. But getting "laid" wasn't the problem. At least sex is something you can count on. I mean, you know they want it, think they need it to survive, and you know you hold the key, like some super-hero power. It is, at least, something you can control, understand, something ingrained in you by Mother Nature. In many ways it's the easiest part of a relationship. But after the sex part is out of the way, what then? Ted was a nice, sensitive guy. Not long after we met he fell into some bad luck. His roommate situation went sour and he needed help. He had nowhere to go, and his car wasn't running. I had been independent for a long time, and was settled, neatly, into my own place. I had a good car, a fairly good job, and no real relationship with my parents (long story). So when he asked if he could move in for a while, I said "Of course!" After all, I did really like him. He promised to help with bills, and I agreed to give him rides to work. Things didn't go exactly as planned. The first month passed, and rent was due. Ted didn't have all of it. He said he had been putting money into fixing his car. I told him I would cover what he was lacking. The next month it happened again, but I thought nothing of it. After all, a man needs a car, right? I figured everything would get easier after his car situation was better. I continued to give him rides to work everyday. I took him to the store to get cigarettes, to restaurants, to buy groceries. Even on my days off, I got up early so I could take Ted to work. Then something happened. I began to notice that I was the one paying for the cigarettes, the groceries, the restaurants, and the gas to take him to work. A seed of resentment and doubt began to grow. It had been three months now, and Ted's car still wasn't running. He had put no money away to get his own place. What was he doing with his money? We began to fight a lot. Finally one day, guns were blazing and I told him it was over and he needed to move out. After an unpleasant departure, Ted was gone, and I had my home back again. After a few months I met a new guy, "Collin." It was Christmas Eve, and I, having no family to spend the holidays with, was doing my laundry at a nearby Laundromat. Collin and I started up a conversation while transferring clothes to the dryer. He was very handsome, and we seemed to have everything in common. A few days after we met, Collin's roommate "got them evicted," he said, and asked if he could stay with me for a while. I said yes, and helped him move in. He'd had a DUI a few months back and couldn't drive. At first, we had a lot of fun together. We went out every night. Collin played guitar, and sometimes would play me songs for hours after we got home. We talked about everything. When we had been living together for about a week I got very sick. Collin woke me when he got home from work, and asked me to drive him to the bar. When I said no, a little hurt that he seemed so uncaring about my illness, he got very angry. I finally got up and took him. I started to notice bottles of bourbon came and went very quickly around Collin. When rent came due, he didn't have it. How was this possible? I'd asked him to pay very little, and he didn't have a car or any other bills, so what was he spending all his money on? Booze. It didn't take me as long to kick Collin out as it had Ted. Perhaps, I had learned and was applying my knowledge. Perhaps it was because the better I got to know Collin, the more he lost his temper, and the less I liked him. There were a few more (than I'd like to admit) cases of "the guy who needed a place to stay." I began to wonder, "Why do I always end up with guys who can't take care of themselves?" And then it clicked. They needed me. Not in the good way, but that didn't matter. I mentioned before that I didn't really have a "family," so to speak. I felt alone. These men, losers or not, needed me, depended on me. They couldn't leave, because they had nowhere to go, and no way to get there. Once I had identified the pattern, it was easy to avoid. I hung out with friends more, participated in healthy activities with healthy people, and before long, I started to meet healthy men. While these stories are factual, and, sadly, it did take me quite a few years and experiences to realize my mistakes, it doesn't have to for you. Take the time to analyze your past relationships and recognize aspects of them that seem to repeat themselves. Once you recognize the recurring themes of your relationships, you too can begin to change them. Then you can move on to another "country" of men. Hopefully this one will be the healthy one you've been looking for. If not, at least by the time you get there, you'll be well traveled. Toni Kiser is a recently married, college graduate from North Carolina. She now lives in California with her husband, a musician and computer-programmer. She has been writing all her life, and hopes to one day write a collumn in a magazine or newspaper.
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Will They or Will They Not Cheat? Have you ever told your partner or spouse how you would feel if you found out they had been cheating? Maybe your spouse or partner will never cheat on you! Are would they? Relationship Failing? Consider Your Ways When The Evolution of Love Songs have been saying it for generations together. Ask anyone what the world needs and the one answer you would get is-" love". We need love at all times. It is the basis of all our relationships in one form or the other. Despite knowing and understanding the need for it, we haven't been able to understand it well enough. It has evoluted and here is its story. How to Handle a Cheating Partner Most people do not understand the nature of cheating within a relationship. Let's begin by taking a look at that before going any further. Even though it always seems and is horribly unfair to any victim of infidelity, there are always two sides to every story. Defining Relationship Commitment for Todays Couples WHAT IS COMMITMENT? Relationship Advice: How to Ignore Your Spouse or Partner Marriage can be one of the quickest and most effective paths to taking someone special for granted. Feel Like a (Romantic) Kid Again If the start of the school year makes you a little nostalgic about your own school days, why not take a little trip: back to your own childhood! Make a date with that special someone and act like children again. You'll soon see that this child-like fun can be just as romantic as a grown-up date (and a whole lot easier on the budget!) You are Killing US with YOUR Jealousy Hey all, I feel that need to reach out and touch someone. So here I am again. Are You Looking for Ms. Right or Mr. Not so Wrong? Do you want to find the "love of your life?" You CAN Improve Your Relationship It seems as if creating successful relationships with our significant others and parenting children are two of the most difficult jobs we face and yet we get no formal training in either. It's as if people believe that we are born with an inherent ability to do these two things. Yet, look around us. In the US, the divorce rate is slightly over 50%! I don't know anywhere but baseball where a 50% average is a good thing. To Hold or to Set One Free! Hope you all are doing well and enjoying great health. There were terrorist attacks in London and even here in India we are facing many natural calamities; but as they say, everything in life is having some purpose and one must learn to carry on. Relationship Advice for Women - Beyond the Happy Ending - Part 1 The Nothing Syndrome We've all heard the stories. The princess finds her prince and lives happily ever after. From childhood, girls are led to believe that you find your man and have your own happy ending. Our man will take care of us, adore us, treat us like the princesses that we are. It's no wonder that our first relationship with the opposite sex seldom lives up to the dream. Here are some suggestions for smoothing the transition from childhood dreams to reality. Is Your Husband or Wife Cheating? Five Great Reasons to Hire a Private Investigator! Discovering an affair in your relationship is indispensable, but that's just the beginning of what you will face. A family court ruling will be rendered either for or against you and your children. A judge will decide for you based on the EVIDENCE, who is the best custodial parent. If your state considers infidelity grounds for divorce, PROOF is essential! If you are party to a legal action, your observations, discoveries and testimony is already tainted with BIAS. This article will give you a few insights to consider. I've identified 5 key reasons you SHOULD hire an investigator and in a few words examine the reasons why. Real Solutions For Combatting Extreme Shyness Most people experience some degree of shyness from time to time in certain situations. In fact, only about 7% of the population claims that they never feel shy. For the rest of us, shyness can range from being an occasional, minor inconvenience, to being a major problem. Romance Matters You are never too old and it is never too late to romance that special someone whom you love. There are so many things to do and so many ways to do it. So often, we have merely gotten out of the habit. The Top 10 Ways to Keep Passion in Your Relationship All long-term relationships go through a variety of phases. There is the initial dating and courtship and infatuation period. If the relationship continues, it settles into a more stable time of building a history as a couple. If children enter the picture, that is a new phase. Later, there is another phase of being together as a mature couple with the wisdom of experience. Recognizing Unhealthy Relationships One of the keys to obtaining a better life or living arrangement is to assess the quality of relationships that you surround yourself with. Do you surround yourself with loving relationships or unhealthy relationships? For someone that has a pattern or history with unhealthy relationships, the difference between the two may be difficult to decipher. When Your Relationships Turn Abusive - What You Can Do Sometimes the people who are the closest to us, our friends and our mates, the ones who should be liking us the best, are the ones who hurt us the most. Very Old Secret To Melt The Heart Of Your Beloved My Dear Lover, Did He Think of Me? As a betrayed partner this was one of the first questions that I asked my husband when I found out about his affairs. Each affair elicited the same response from me. "Did you think about me?" |
home | site map |
© 2005 |