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Relationship Information
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What Keeps Couples Together There are several things you can do, especially when your relationship is loving and happy, to ensure that it remains this way for the long term. The first principle of a lasting relationship is your clear intention to preserve your mutual affection, respect and friendship. Dr. John Gottman, a towering figure in couples counseling, achieved this insight after more than thirty years in the research and study of couples. In his bestselling book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he discusses why most marriage therapy fails, concluding that resolving conflicts and improving communication is important but not, of itself, what keeps couples together. Rather, he finds that "friendship fuels the flames of romance." However intense or frequent their battles, the couples that last have never lost their fondness and respect for one anther. After describing the kinds of behavior that undermine mutual regard, Gottman describes seven things that happy marriages have in common, then he shows you how to introduce those seven principles into your own relationship. If ever you feel that the ties that bind are weakening, this would be a good place to start looking for things you can do to rekindle affection. This material is also available in audio or video format. Other factors that contribute to relationship success include learning to express your feelings, both positive and negative; learning to disagree in ways that are not destructive; and learning to accept things you can't change. Beyond self-help Beyond information in books, tapes and videos, there are couple workshops. Some might find it more effective to go directly to a good couples counselor. If one of you is allergic to the idea of counseling or therapy, look for a couples coach, which might be more acceptable. Enter "couples coach" into Google and see what comes up, or ask a recommended therapist to serve as a coach. Many religious organizations have trained conciliators who work with couples and many clergy are trained in couples counseling. In any case, you should only work with someone who is trained, experienced and certified to do the job. The important thing is that you not sit on your hands if one of you begins to feel that your mutual regard is fading. If you are committed to your relationship, you need to make it a priority, meaning there will be times when you have to put extra effort into it--get information, go to a workshop, get help. Above all, try to discuss things you can do to increase mutual regard and affection and decide together what steps to take. Relationship Resources The companion CD that's included in my book Legal Essentials for California Couples has a fine article, How to Get the Most From Couples Therapy. Appendix B in the book lists relationship resources that professionals have told us they recommend to their clients. One we like is The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, who points out that people have different ways of expressing and receiving love, so that one person might be expressing it in a way that the other does not get, as where a man works hard to earn material things for his loved one and buys her gifts, but she craves touching and nice words. It's a matter of getting your signals straight. Other resources include the highly regarded Couple Communication workshops, which have trained over 600,000 people and are conducted across the U.S. by thousands of certified instructors. To find an instructor near you, visit www.couplecommunication.com. Then there's the respected Marriage Encounter with nation-wide programs for troubled couples that are based on Judeo-Christian concepts, though you need not be religious to participate. You can find more information about them at www.marriage-encounter.org. There's a mountain of good books, tapes, videos and workshops out there that you can use besides the examples I've given. Time spent on this subject will be richly rewarded. That's the whole point--to make the effort. The most innovative parts of the Couples Contract, featured in Legal Essentials for California Couples, are the agreements you make to take these kinds of actions when your relationship needs some help. The Couples Contract can be used by couples in any state with some minor revisions. To learn more about how the Couples Contract can protect and preserve your relationship, visit www.nolocouples.com. Copyright 2005 Ed Sherman How to Ask for a Gratifying Sex Life So your relationship has changed over the years since you said "I do" and sex isn't what it use to be. First you should know that this is normal and common place in the majority of marriages. Knowing that you are not alone does not make you feel any better nor does it get you the satisfying sex life that you once had. You simply can't go through the trials of life without changing. 8 Keys to Lasting Love My granddaughter, Merritt Miles, was the inspiration for this CD, 8 Keys to Lasting Love. When Merritt was five years old I read a fairy tale to her and was very disturbed by the ending, "And they lived happily ever after." As she could not read yet, I took the liberty of changing the ending to "They began the work of creating a very good marriage." I didn't want Merritt to think that marriage was so simple or that it just happened that you lived happily every after, as so many of my clients believed. As a marriage and family therapist for thirty years, I have seen the pain people experience on their honeymoon when they wake up and realize they have married a mere mortal. Why Anger is Essential to Healthy Relationships Extramarital Affairs: When Sexual Addiction and Infidelity Meet One kind of extramarital affair revolves around sexual addiction. The partner involved in the affair, plain and simple, has a difficult time saying "NO." He/she may want to, but feels compelled to say "yes." Love or Lust Do you know what the definition of love is? This is it: a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person, an intense personal attachment or affection, a person toward whom love is felt, a strong enthusiasm or liking. Do you know what the definition of lust is? Here it is: intense sexual desire or appetite, an over whelming desire, ardent enthusiasm, to have strong desire. So my question is, how do you know when you are genuinely in love? Is it when some of that desire is turned into more of an affection? Can someone explain this to me? When we first meet someone, what attracts us first is looks mainly, which would be more on a lustful note, as you get to know someone you find out their interests, likes and dislikes, you may than begin to form a connection or attachment which is more of a loving feeling. But when is it that the love begins and the lust ends? Does it ever? Because I know couples who have been together for years and they say they still get those butterflies as soon as they see their partner. Calling All Single Parents! Why not Try Online Dating? Forming a relationship when you're a single mother or father can be a very hard and frustrating time, but why don't you use the Internet to do most of the work for you? The Male Rating System While not necessarily New Age in nature, Samantha has noticed a lot of clients asking questions about their potential beaus lately and she thought this refreshing change might be just what was needed to help our female Realm members keep things in perspective regarding their male paramours. Enjoy! -David - Live Like You Were Dying: Help for Overcoming an Affair In the recovery phase of my husbands last affair I was having a really difficult time letting go of the pain and offering forgiveness to my husband. Lovers Quarrel One minute you seem like lovesick turtledoves teasing, laughing and giggling with all your might. Then a few minutes later, you begin yelling and berating each other and a lover's quarrel is already in progress. A little bantering was all it took to stoke up a rising emotional tension. Mental Abuse - The 7 Most Important Things To Know 1. Sticks and stones won't break my bones" ? and words won't leave any measurable physical damage, but they will cause progressive, long-term harm. Never underestimate the power of words: words are used to brainwash. The Relativity of Your Life We live in the world of the relative. What and whom we surround ourselves with, how we spend our waking hours, and the type of person we become is in direct relation to all that surrounds us. Cheating Spouse: 7 Legitimate Motives for Spying Should you spy on your cheating husband or wife? You believe you see signs of a cheating spouse. The need to know whether your spouse is cheating and EXACTLY what kind of cheating is taking place is often strong. There are a number of reasons why the drive to spy is powerful. Here are seven: How to Start a Conversation With a Woman Last week I had the easiest pick up and seduction of a woman in my life, and it all started with me walking by a random girl and saying (using a clear, resonating voice and disinterested, but relaxed and sexual, body language), "Hey." Women and Men: Never The Twain Shall Meet "Dear Happy Guy, How To Open Up While Staying Safe When you've had your heart broken in a relationship, it can be difficult to open up to love again and entrust your heart to another person. Relationship Advice: 10 Ways to Survive a Break Up Break ups are never easy. You are a bundle of jealous, hurt, angry, resentful emotions. Your mood can swing from depression to bitter anger. The only thing you seem to think about is what went wrong, can I get him/her back or I'll show him/her. The main theme in your life is 'How can I feel better right NOW?' Here are some suggestions that I hope will help. The Three Levels of Soul Mates From my own personal experience of being involved in certain relationships, I have come to realize there are three different levels of Soul Mates. We discussed Soul Mates in a previous article of mine, 'Soul Mates - Do they really exists" now we should keep our eyes open and pay closer attention to our relationships, in order that we might recognize those soul mates. A Gift From the Heart of a Friend She stares at me and then closes her eyes. A tinge of early dawn plays on her cheek as it peeks through the glass curtains by my desk. I grow warmer, waiting in silence for her first uncertain word and the gentle touch of her hand. She fidgets and rocks in her chair. She cannot hold her thoughts inside much longer. The Healing Power of Forgiveness People who experience bad health often have major league forgiveness issues in their lives. When we hold negativity in our energy field, inevitably it expresses itself as physical disharmony or bad health. Forgiveness is the major way that humans can release negativity or cleanse it from their energy fields.
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